Ever have one of those embarrassing moments when you make a really stupid decision? You say something rude or cut someone off, and that feeling rises up in your chest. It’s suffocating. You know you’re wrong and it’s eating at you. You feel guilty. So what’s with all the hype about guilt being bad? After all, if I blow it and don’t experience guilt, what will ever motivate me to change?
As a wife and mom, I know that nothing motivates me or my family more towards a direction of healthy change than when one of us messes up, gets to feeling really bad about it, and then finally makes it right! Yet if you pay attention to pop culture or tune into your favorite episodes, there is this mantra of acceptance for any behavior no matter who it hurts.
As a counselor, my field often labels guilt as a negative emotion. People write articles and teach seminars on “how to help relieve your clients of guilt.” Now let me clarify, there is such a thing as pathological guilt, in which you blame yourself for things you can’t control. This is definitely unhealthy. However, I think we’ve gone too far and now we call anything resembling guilt a negative belief. This is dangerous.
For example, when Jaclyn walks in for counseling wanting to eliminate the guilt associated with the affair she’s having behind her husbands back, that’s not healthy. Yet, there are professional counselors that will encourage Jaclyn’s affair. What has happened to our profession when encouraging adultery becomes a therapeutic tool?
Exploring the thoughts behind your guilt will often reveal whether your guilt is pathological or healthy. One sure way to tell if your guilt is healthy is to ask yourself, “Does my belief line up with God’s Word?” If the belief you have doesn’t line up with His, it’s not healthy. Lets look at some examples of pathological guilt versus the healthy kind:
Pathological Guilt:
- “I should have known better than to wear that dress then I wouldn’t have been raped.” (This thought is not based in truth but rather lies. It assumes that we have the ability to control someone else’s actions. God gave us free will over our thoughts, emotions and actions but He did not give us control over others. Relevant scripture: Galatians 5:13, John 7:17, Joshua 24:15; Mark 8:34, Matthew 12:37, Matthew 24;40-44, Romans 10;9-10)
- “I must be worthless because my own parents think they’d be better off without me.” (This thought is not based in truth but rather lies. It assumes that our worth is defined by other people. Relevant scripture: Genesis 1:27, Isaiah 49:15, Jeremiah 31:3, Romans 5:8, 1 Peter 1:18,19, 2 Corinthians 5:17, 1 John 3:1, Ephesians 2: 4-7, 2 Corinthians 5:20)
Healthy Guilt:
- “I shouldn’t be lying to my wife about watching porn.” (This thought is based in truth, the guilt he is experiencing is healthy. It may motivate him to make right choices. Relevant scripture: Leviticus 19:11, Proverbs 12:22, Proverbs 12:19, Colossians 3:9-10, John 8:44, Acts 5:3, Ephesians 4:29, 1 Timothy 4:2, Revelation 22:15)
- “I shouldn’t have called my classmate a loser.” (This thought is based in truth, this is healthy guilt and hopefully this person will seek forgiveness. Relevant scripture: Ephesians 4:29, Psalm 19:14, Matthew 12:36, Proverbs 18 :21, Psalm 141:3, Proverbs 17:27, Colossians 3:8, Matthew 15:11, James 1:26)
My challenge to all of you wonderful readers is to open your heart and mind allowing God to examine the source of your guilt. Is it pathological based in lies? Is it healthy, grounded in truth? Let healthy guilt motivate you towards better choices. Tell the pathological guilt that it’s gotta go, it’s no longer welcome in your mind or heart!
August 22, 2018
Thanks for this one!!! I’ve been feeling so guilty lately about my walk with God. So much of it is lacking. I try to be better with my prayer life, reading my Bible more, and just generally having a passion for God…but I always seem to end up right where I started, fighting the same battles. So I feel guilty but at the same time I’m afraid to do anything about it because I think I’ll just fail again.
I think this is healthy guilt, at least partially. I don’t want to settle for a mundane walk with God. I want to be on fire, passionate, all in, but I know that in order to reach that, I have to pray for self-discipline and be willing to act when God is ready to answer.
At some point, I guess it boils down to choices. Am I tired enough to change? To make the decision to wake up early and spend time with God and in the word, or take a leap of faith that God has been pushing me toward?
Thanks for posting and reading my rambles. It gave me the boost I needed to keep walking in the right direction.
August 22, 2018
Be encouraged that you are even asking questions of how to go deeper with the Lord. One thing I have chosen to do recently that has brought tremendous blessing, direction and passion for Jesus is memorizing Colossians 3. I’ve decided that no matter how long it takes me, that chapter is like a “mini bible” in the Bible. It has everything you ever need to know! I’m thinking about it during my morning chores, while I’m cleaning or as I’m driving. When I get stuck and don’t understand a verse I pray “Father teach me. I will plant here, Lord, in this verse till You unveil its meaning because only You can renew my mind!” Without fail God blows my mind with more revelation of Who He is and who He’s calling me to be. I’m excited for all that God will do in your heart and mind as you seek those things which are above and set your mind on Christ! I will be covering you personally in prayer for the rest of this week. Blessings in Christ, Rebecca